I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
