she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
