And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
