Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
