Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
