he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
