the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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