1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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