WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
