tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
