Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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