haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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