I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
