the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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