i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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