Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I have surprise drugs for everyone
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
