Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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