just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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