well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
