Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
