You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
