when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
