You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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