Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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