You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
