Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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