i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I deserve this hangover.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
