If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
