Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
