Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
