i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
