It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
