Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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