Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Sex in the backyard? Check.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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