If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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