I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
