if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
