i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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