Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
