did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
