Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
