So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
