Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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