So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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