He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
