well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
