New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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