he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
