Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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