Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
