I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
