quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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